Dear Abby: My husband, "Sam," and I have been married three years and have a good relationship. He's a wonderful father and husband, and I really couldn't ask for much more.
However, there is one thing I just don't know what to do about. He had a rough divorce from his first wife, who was also the first woman he ever had sex with (they waited until they were married). She started doing drugs shortly afterward and cheated on him several times. Counseling with her didn't work, and eventually he filed for divorce.
We married five years after his divorce, and we also waited to have sex until we were married. This was by mutual agreement. Once we were married, I realized he has some big hang-ups about sex in general. There can never be any foreplay, we never change positions, and the times it happens are few and far between.
I have expressed my need for more intimacy, but he acts like I'm being ridiculous, or says he can't make himself change something he's comfortable with. How else can I approach this situation without making him feel bad? I believe sex in a marriage is very important, and ours needs to change.
- Needs More in Texas
Dear Needs More: Your husband has a problem, but in order for there to be any changes in your marriage, he will have to admit to himself -- and to you -- that he has one. A place to start would be marriage counseling with a licensed therapist, and from there, very likely, a course of treatment with a licensed sex therapist. I hope you can convince him that it is necessary, because unless he agrees, I don't think a mutually satisfying union will be possible.