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Rep. Greg DeVries, R-Jefferson City

Two hundred ninety years ago, Jonathan Swift, author of "Gulliver’s Travels," wrote a satirical piece called “A Modest Proposal.” This is an updated and revised version.

Financial drains on our normally stalwart welfare system and undue burdens on society are created by unwanted children. The foster care system is overflowing and too many women face unjustifiable hardship and grief. Women arbitrarily stricken by spontaneous conception lose all hope for a happy life. Abuse and family dysfunction are almost certain outcomes as women are forced to raise unwanted children in addition to juggling careers, life dreams and goals, and healthy bodies. 

Seeking the greater societal good, let us implement our unwanted kiddos into the Green New Deal as natural resources, raw materials and commodities. Let us make them into positive contributors to our society.

Admittedly, most of the ideas which follow are already in operation and showing real results. But this should encourage us in the progressive leaps already made, and embolden us to move forward in preserving our society and even our planet. Time is of the essence. 

Individuals of weak constitution express discomfort at the first proposal. Science indisputably shows, however, that a child achieves personhood only when the mother wants the child. Clearly, unwanted children are not really people, thus, they possess no rights. Forthwith, we shall refer to these subjects as “post-fetal potentialities” (PfP), as the term “child” brings legal complications.

Somewhat older, unwanted PfPs could be used as a means to satisfy the proclivities of men struggling with “underage attractedness.” This condition is becoming more accepted, but until society recognizes this identity as a civil right, these unfortunate fellows are left with no outlet for their natural desires. Those struggling with desires of pedophilia might access this therapeutic resource so they won’t need to resort to back alleys, airplanes or illegal means. Perhaps an island resort could be established somewhere, under proper government oversight and regulation, of course. Statistics show this would drastically reduce sex crimes and trafficking, making this practice safe, legal and rare.

Another avenue for mining our PfP’s is already in practice by pioneers who researched and planned. Parenthood facilities around the country capitalize on this, but there is plenty of room for more development. It is the harvesting of fetal body parts for scientific research. Advances in medicine, vaccines and food quality all contribute to a healthy society. Tissues and cell lines are already marketed proliferously for vaccines, testing of food flavorings and in makeup. This keeps society inoculated, fat and aglow, all positive contributions. If we continue with care, no matter what detractors might say, we will achieve great objectives. In this area, we applaud the back-breaking and heart-wrenching efforts of those New York Democrats who expanded the age limits for harvesting.

Barring divine intervention, climate disaster is imminent. Within 12 years, we will be without hope and without Miami, due to rising oceans. So we must utilize the biomass of the unwanted PfPs for fertilizer or fuel. This would greatly lessen, or even eliminate, our dependency on fossil fuels and is a true renewable resource. More dependable than sun or wind, and cleaner burning than coal, by accessing this resource we would simultaneously be eradicating thousands of little carbon footprints. Little carbon footprints grow into big carbon footprints, and time marches on.

This would be a lifesaver for many in the northern hemisphere during the cold, dark winter months. PfP fertilizer could be used in community gardens, on school lawns and in public parks, or to enhance forests being ravaged by fires from climate change. In dried form, it even acts as a paprika substitute.

The approach most effective in lessening the burden of unwanted children on society, while exponentially enhancing the good of the greater, fell into disuse roughly 600 years ago. Surveys prove 1 in 6 children here in Montana are food deficient. We could feed nutrition-deprived adults while also boosting our economy through sales of hot dogs, bologna and even fine cuts of meat for special events, while simultaneously chopping the number of hungry children down dramatically if we eat a good portion of the 37,000 children we see wasting away from starvation all around us.

This idea needs to be fleshed out some more, but if we are butchering them already in the womb, we may as well utilize the meat. Unwanted and butchered at eight weeks or unwanted and butchered at four years, it all tastes the same.

To all involved, it is quite clear this proposal would create jobs, boost our economy and alleviate the burden on society which unwanted children bring all in one fell swoop.

If you are appalled by this proposal, look around at what is happening.

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Rep. Greg DeVries, R-Jefferson City, represents House District 75 in the Montana Legislature. 

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