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Letter

Dear Abby: I met a man recently who demonstrates many personal accomplishments. He has acted on TV, started a university, and run beauty pageants and wrestling competitions. He has asked me to marry him. He is rich and seems a self-made man.

I discovered, however, that he has many bankruptcies and marriages, plus almost nobody he's employed speaks well of him. He lies to not only his audiences, and me, but to his bank lenders. He bullies his subordinates and vilifies those he cannot coerce. His "big deals" have cost him millions but he "lawyers up" and "shorts" his workers to compensate. He has grabbed my genitals in public but must be a good Christian since he wants to criminalize abortion, and put evil women and doctors in jail.

He has such a big name he ran for town sheriff, which makes me proud. But people say he gutted town government, campaigned against schools and arrested off-color suspects. Should I marry him? I like his dynamism and the way he does his hair.

— Americus, a spinster in Georgia

Dear Americus: Unless you discover he's laundered money for a foreign power you'd best stick with him. He is the sheriff.

Bruce Russell Sr.,

Missoula

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